My Memories of Frenchie: A Matt Mills Memoir Part 2

I like to tell people that I’ve known Frenchie since the day we were born. Of course that isn’t true seeing as how I am nearly seven months older than him. But we have such a powerful and rewarding connection as best friends that it seems like we were born from the same womb. And just imagine all of the jokes he’d hear if he and I did come from the same womb.

“Hey, Frenchie! I was in your mom’s vagina once!”

We wouldn’t be brothers, of course. I’m talking about a strong spiritual connection. I would have been inside his mom’s vagina in a spiritual way.

With that said, I have actually known Frenchie since we were in the second grade. I met a bowl cut wearing, sweat pants rocking, girl impregnator named Frenchie. The first time I saw him I said, “Wow, I want to be just like him!” Then I saw him get kicked three times straight in the nuts by one of our female classmates because he asked if she wanted an invitation to his Power Ranger themed birthday party in his pants. Then I said to myself, “You know, I’m good not being Frenchie.”

Later that day at recess, he walked up to me and said, “So you’re Matt Mills. I’ve heard about you. You think ya better than me?” Then he pulled back like he was going to throw a punch at me. “I run this playground, pretty boy,” he said next. “If I told you to shit your pants, you would without question. Got it? If I told you—”

He didn’t even finish. Someone across the playground had kicked a football and it smashed against Frenchie’s head. He dropped like a bag of computer monitors. He didn’t move. He was knocked completely unconscious. So I just walked away.

Frenchie wouldn’t admit it back then and he wouldn’t admit it now, but back in the fifth grade, someone started a rumor around our school that Frenchie was gay. And, of course, Frenchie was always more than eager to prove any rumor about him either true (if he felt that it would make him look cool or a badass) or false (if he felt that it was a threat to him looking cool or like a badass).

Someone started a rumor that Frenchie had rigged a toilet in the boys bathroom with a camera. There was about a 10 second delay on the camera so that by the time the camera took its picture, the victim would already be unzipped and exposed. When the camera was discovered, there was a piece of white tape stuck to the side of the camera that said “This camera is the property of Frenc Matt Mills.”

It was the first 5th grade sex scandal in U.S. history. Frenchie could tell you that. He’s a history major.

So I confronted him. I said, “Why did you try to blame me for that camera? I thought we were friends. That’s not what you do to your friends! That’s against the rules of friendship.”

Frenchie looked me straight in the eyes and said, “FUCK THE RULES!” Then he lit up a cigarette in the middle of math class. Our teacher looked at him and said, “Frenchie, are you smoking a cigarette?”

Frenchie looked at her and said, “No, I’m smoking a flaming dick!”

After he was wrestled out of the classroom by our teacher, our principal literally made him smoke a flaming dick…with his ass.