The Soviet Affair Part 1: From Russia With Frenchie

The world of international espionage is a world of danger. One might never know who is watching them or listening to them at any given time. When on the job in a far away place, it is important to keep your wits about you and your best poker face on at all times. Too many times there had been mistakes that could have been avoided in Frenchie’s life. This was one of those times.

 

The room was dark and he could smell the familiar scent of what was a cold, damp, and uninviting basement. Frenchie was tied to a chair. His captives made sure to rough him up good, like a little school girl bitch. “Those Soviet fucks,” he said to himself as blood drooled from his mouth. Ten feet away, facing him was his partner-in-crime, Matt Mills. Matt was also tied to a chair, though he had escaped the brutal beatings that Frenchie had endured. Mainly because he was too good looking and his Soviet kidnappers felt that damaging his otherwise flawless features would be a shame. He also escaped a beating because he told the authorities that “it was all Frenchie’s idea.” But Matt was pissed.

 

“I can’t believe you got us mixed up in this shit!” Matt screamed into the dark. Though they were 10 feet away from each other, they couldn’t see one another in the darkness. “You just had use the “I’m a spy for the United States” line on that tranny back at the hotel, didn’t you? Did you think she would be impressed? Did you think that you two could fuck each other at the same time? Your dick in her ass and her dick in yours? That’s not even physically possible!” Matt realized that he had been screaming at the top of his lungs. “Not to mention that we’re in the Soviet Union! They love American spies here!” Frenchie’s silence irritated Matt even more. “Are you going to say anything, fag?”

 

Frenchie closed his eyes. It didn’t matter if they were open or closed. He saw the same thing regardless: cold and empty darkness. He was drawing on the elder spirits of the world to grant him inner peace. His breathing slowed and he began to feel relaxed. “Shhhh,” he said in a near whisper. “I’m meditating.”

 

A primitive growl escaped from Matt’s lips. The growl turned into a heavy scream of sheer anger. “When I get out of this chair, I’m going to shove a splittered broom handle into your ass so fucking deep that you will be able to suck on the end of it!” Matt continued his screaming and ranting while trying to wiggle out of the tight grip of the ropes to kill Frenchie. But Frenchie was miles away in a near Yoga-like meditative state. Fairies and angels flew quickly in Frenchie’s mind. Snow capped mountains stood high and mighty in the background of his happy place. The place was so inviting.  A happy black bear carrying a jar of golden honey walked up to Frenchie. “Hiya!” the black bear said. “My name is Stephen! Want to skip in the flowery meadows of Happyville with me?” A smile crossed Frenchie face. A wide gay smile that would have made Matt’s heart explode. “Yes,” Frenchie said. “Would you like to be my friend?” Before the bear had a chance to answer, a light in the dark basement flickered on. “No! NO!” Frenchie screamed as he was blinded by the light. “I almost had one! A real one! A real friend! He loved me for who I am! Come back, friend!”

 

“I swear to God, I will rape you with a splittered wooden shoe!” Matt didn’t know why he kept threatening Frenchie with splittered wooden objects. When Matt become as angry as he was, his mind goes blank and the only thing he can see is things made of wood; chairs, tables, shoes, and trees.

 

A door behind Frenchie opened. Both Matt and Frenchie were still getting adjusted to the bright light in the room. The face of the man entering the room could not be seen clearly by either boi. “Ahh,” the man said in a thick Russian accent. “When I was briefed about the capture of you two, I must say that I certainly didn’t believe it!” A deep chuckle seemed to resonate from his body. “But now I can see that it was no lie. You both will be entering a world of Soviet hell shortly for your crimes against Mother Russia. You have broken many rules—“

 

“Fuck the rules!” Frenchie interrupted. That had become his catchphrase. A smile slowly cracked across his face, as if he had won some sort of battle. Matt shook his head and imagined that Frenchie must have heard that in a Nickelback song. Frenchie’s favorite band was Nickelback and he swore by their artistic authenticity.

 

The Russian man looked at Matt almost dumbfounded. Matt shrugged. “Uh, alright, then,” the Russian began again. “Well, either way, you’re both in a lot of trouble and it won’t be nice.” The Russian looked Frenchie right in the eyes. “Here in the Soviet Union, we’ve captured many foreign spies. They usually make a simple mistake, like getting careless when making a drop-off or by feeling like they are above suspicion. Why, one British spy once fell in love with one of our female agents. They were together for three years, had even planned a wedding. Imagine that. Then on the night before the wedding, our agent put three rounds from a silenced pistol into his head. But never, NEVER, in the history of the Soviet Union, has a foreign spy been captured because he admitted it to a tranny hooker he was trying to impress in a hotel. Never. So at least, before you face the firing squad, you will know that you made history in the Soviet Union.”

 

Frenchie stared deeply back into the Russians eyes. “Listen, Ivan,” Frenchie bit down on his lip to retain his laughter. Frenchie called the man “Ivan” as if to insult him. Little did Frenchie know that his name was actually Ivan. “I won’t be staying here long enough to face your scary sounding firing squad. In fact, me and my partner here have been planning our escape.”

 

“Oh, really?” the Russian asked matter-of-factly.

 

“Yes. In fact, why don’t you untie me so that I can show you how we intended to escape?”

 

The Russian man did just that. Frenchie was untied. The Russian and Matt, still tied to the chair, stared at Frenchie.

 

“Show, now!” the Russian screamed in broken English, which was strange because he seemed to be speaking English very well a second ago.  

 

Frenchie didn’t know what to do. He stood there confused. He didn’t actually think the Russian would untie him. He was only trying to sound more like a real spy. He didn’t think the Russian would call his bluff.

 

“Yeah,” Frenchie said defeated. “I…I got nothing.” Frenchie sat back down in the chair, his head hanging low like a sulking dog. The Russian immediately retied him.

 

Matt was seeing red. He was sending Frenchie atom bombs through his eyes. If looks could kill, Frenchie would be dead. “I can’t fucking believe you! You were untied and you just stand there!”

 

“Matt, please,” Frenchie said. He sounded almost like a teacher telling a student to be quiet. “Now isn’t the time.”

 

“Now,” the Russian said. “We take you to firing squad!” He waved his hand to the door. Several armed soldiers entered the room. They didn’t bother untying Matt or Frenchie. They just picked up the chairs and began to carry them out of the room. Frenchie, while this was happening, complimented two soldiers on their nice clean uniforms.

 

How will the boys escape this?!

 

2 B CONTINYOUED.